I feel like I should write this out. I don’t care if anyone reads it. I just need to write it. I just don’t understand how my life can be so mixed up. Before, it was either bad or good, but now its worst AND best. It doesn’t make sense to me. It’s not that I don’t want the best, it is just that I don’t understand the timing. The pain from the chemo is almost unbearable; back spasms and charlie horses all through the night. I am afraid of Friday, my second treatment. Will it be worse with a higher concentration in my blood? Or will it get better as my body gets used to it? All I know is that I need him. And the weird thing is that he is there…He is always there for me. Why does that scare me so much? Maybe I don’t want to depend on him. Maybe I don’t want him to realize what a mess I am and leave. How can someone exist that so blindly cares for me? Can there be someone like that in the world? I never thought it before, and I doubt it all the time. But he has never given me any reason to doubt. My only reason is my own past. It’s not fair I let my past taint his image, but I can’t convince myself to let go of it. I’m afraid of how much I love him. He was so fragile before, but he has grown so much. Can he handle the pressure? He couldn’t before. I can’t bear the thought of losing him. I want to protect him from anything that could happen. But he is determined to make a life for us. He wants to go and succeed in school and to get a good job. I am so proud of him. He is being so responsible. But that also means he is leaving me. Not emotionally, but physically. He will be 3 hours away for a year in less then 2 months. I don’t know if I am strong enough for him to leave, but I wont stop him. I know how important this is. He is getting an apartment, so at least room mates wont be an issue. He swears he will come home sometimes and I can visit there. Will that be enough for me? Or am I already too dependent on him? Sometimes I just want to let him go live his own life and stop dragging him down. He wont let me though. He says he needs me too. I just hope I am strong enough for the both of us. I hope I can be brave.
Everything that I thought I ever knew has changed. Is it possible for someone to affect my life that much? The world around me feels so different. Why is it that in my worst physical trials in my life, I feel the safest just knowing he cares.
Pretty flowers ♡
Gave wookie a hair cut. Not bad for office scissors and a bikini trimmer lol.